My thought process

“My ideas flow so rapidly that I have not time to express them──by which means my letters sometimes convey no ideas at all to my correspondents.” - Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice

When I write, I usually do a sort of free writing where I put down my ideas and then as I read what I’ve written I think about how other people will respond and then I go back and re-write which consists of my thinking about what information I want to get across while considering the way my message will be read.    I sometimes think too much about how others will perceive my meaning whether it is in my writing or in my verbal communication.  I don’t necessarily think that’s a good thing.  I believe we should be aware of how powerful our words are and use them carefully but I also believe we should say what needs to be said and if someone takes it the wrong way, it is unfortunate but we must be true to ourselves and do what is right. 

Sometimes I don’t change my words even though I realize what I’ve written may be viewed in a different way than what I intended because I feel that those words and that message is truly what I want to convey and my hope is the reader will look at it again and read it from a more objective perspective.  I am much more confident and comfortable with the written word than the verbal because I have the ability to edit. 

 

Hopefully this is my last blog.  Bye.

 

Before doing this exercise, I would have thought I was more right brain but after thinking this through, I believe I am more left brain which does make more sense.  I am not spontaneous and I don’t trust my thoughts until I have support for them.  I doubt myself before I speak because I fear I’m going to come across as not very smart.  It’s interesting to think about but my whole life I have been a conformist.  I tell people I am a rule follower.

 

What makes this interesting is there was one aspect of my life where I was creative.  During my teen years I was a cheerleader and took great pride in what I did and worked hard at it.  As an adult I coached this sport for 15 years.  I was a strict coach and expected nothing but 100% of the kids I coached; however I was also creative in choreography and spontaneous on trips and incorporating playful activities while we worked so hard. 

"You can't possibly stick the stunt if you're thinking of all the possible ways you could fall." Author Addrian, Nine Mile Falls, WA USA

 After ending my coaching career and focusing on myself, I went to massage therapy school and felt like I was finally a free spirit and able to center myself with my dreams, thoughts, and behavior.  Unfortunately, I came home and back to my following the rules life and now only have those beautiful memories of that time.  It’s interesting how some people are able to balance the right and left brain and some are not.  I think I have not been very successful at the balancing act. 

With this being said, I want to mention that I have a grandson who is being raised by my daughter and her husband in Santa Cruz.  I identify SC because it is known for being a more alternative, healthy, green, natural community.  My son-in-law was raised by his mom and dad who lived on a commune there.  This upbringing and the fact that his parents raised him to trust himself and explore the world, leaving home and joining the professional surfer circuit at 15 allowed him to instill this sense of adventure in my grandson.  My daughter has acclimated to this lifestyle and way of thinking easily and so my grandson is learning to trust himself, to explore his world, to not be a conformist but instead to challenge certain barriers and this I believe will give him the confidence to face the world on his own terms and not live within the boundaries society places on him.  I tell this story because when I am with him or I hear about what the family has done or what their plans are, I am so happy.  I want my children and my grandchildren to not have the internal struggle of a lack of self-confidence or a fear to express themselves or to challenge an injustice. 

 

I want them to work at changing what they believe is wrong and if they have the confidence and knowledge, they will be able to do so.  They have inspired me to be a better person and to reconnect to my creative side.   

          

“It's our challenges and obstacles that give us layers of depth and make us interesting. Are they fun when they happen? No. But they are what make us unique. And that's what I know for sure... I think.”  Ellen DeGeneres

 

So to be honest, I began this assignment thinking I would forego the exercise to save time and energy but then I thought about last weeks free writing exercise and how much I enjoyed it and got out of it, so instead I decided to go ahead and do this week’s as well.  Again, it was good.  I whizzed right through the obstacles even though I thought I would have a hard time identifying them.  I cannot draw, I can’t even use the word artist, so bear with me, and Jamie did say not to worry about how good it was artistically, it was the act of doing it that was the benefit.  So here is my drawing;

 



What I discovered when I drew without thinking about it was that my obstacles are time or lack thereof, my age is conflicting with how I feel and is scary because I don’t want to be running out of time.  I’d like to spend more time with my husband and the rest of my family who are spread out all over and so the obstacle is again finding the time and coordinating schedules.  Another obstacle for me is that I have deadlines for court reports and am accountable to the Judge to make sure everything has been done for the families I work with and if the court report is late or there is something left undone, it’s my reputation on the line.  The last obstacle that I drew was the many families I work with.  They want and need and expect so much from me that it is exhausting at times. 

 

 

One thing that I didn’t draw and I didn’t think about until now is me; I am often my own obstacle.    I doubt myself sometimes and don’t feel I’m smart enough or capable enough.  I’m working on overcoming this, but it’s been a lifelong work in progress.   

 

 

 

 

So this week we are to blog about what thoughts we brought up in our free writing.  I wrote about a few things but felt uncomfortable at first because I was automatically correcting my spelling and grammar as I went which I think stifles the creativity. Creativity is not my forte as I am more concerned about being honest and respected than being creative.  Fortunately for me, I am learning that it is equally as important to be creative and expressive than to say what you think a reader wants to hear. 

I wrote first about my work and how today was a difficult day because it was court day and there were cases that were complicated.  Some cases the court agreed with our recommendations and others he didn’t.  This can be hard to accept sometimes; however it is something that we must learn to do otherwise we are burdened with what we could’ve done differently and many times, it is who presents better or has the better representation or who the judge is and how his day is going.  I think what has helped me deal with this is to know I have done the best job I could with the resources and time I had to work with them.  The other thing that helps me deal with this is that I take each decision as a learning experience and if it doesn’t go my way then next time I’ll do better or I’ll understand my client’s better and be able to treat them differently. 

Another topic I wrote about was my mother.  She was the sweetest lady and beautiful to boot.  She had a sense of fun and enjoyed life, but she had demons too.  She mostly hid her troubles from me when I was younger but at some point she couldn’t hide them from anyone.  She retired early and drank more heavily and then her emotions got the better of her and she was unable to cope with life.  Although I was very involved in the troubles that plagued her, I choose to remember the good times, the fun times, and the times she herself would’ve chosen to remember.

Anyway, I enjoyed the free writing.  I was hesitant, but after going through it, I found I liked it.  It was liberating and for me that’s a rare and good thing.  This is a quote I found and I love it.  I think it sort of relates here.   What I thought when I saw it, is be creative, enjoy life, and go with the flow. 

Silence is a powerful tool

“Under all speech that is good for anything there lies a silence that is better. Silence is deep as Eternity; speech is shallow as Time.”  Thomas Carlyle

 

I often have regrets about what I have said and as I am dwelling on my insecurities and self-doubt, I think I should have just said nothing at all.  Silence can be a powerful tool.  It allows you to listen better and to think about what you want or need to say in order to get what you want.  I am always so impressed by those people that can speak confidently and intelligently, but I am not one of them.  I am always second guessing either what I have said or how I have said it.  I wish I could use speech as a tool, but at this point it is not so.  I can however use silence as a tool and if I listen closely and actively then maybe I will have the same effect as if I were an eloquent speaker.  Have you ever taught your children that they need to think about what they are going to say before they say it?  It’s a lesson many of us heard as we were growing up and many of us used on our own children.  Have you ever witnessed an elderly person who just sits and watches until they are able to say a simple word that grabs everyone’s attention?  Silence can be a very powerful skill that once learned can allow the person who sits in silence to obtain wanted results.  

 

Shhhhhh! Listen and wait.  Wait for a clear thought to come to you and then think about it before saying it aloud.  Will is hurt someone? Will it produce the results you want? Will you regret saying those words?  Could you feel the same as you do now without speaking?  Have you ever just listened without feeling the need to respond or to control the conversation?  Try it for five minutes or as long as you can and see how you feel after actively sitting in silence with only yourself, no text, no facebook, no twitter, just silence.  It is relaxing, empowering, and provides clarity for your mind and your soul.

 

 

 

 

Self-judgment is a difficult thing to overcome.  It affects some of us more than others and can have debilitating repercussions on those that dwell on it.  Some of us are so afraid of what others may think and how they may judge us that we find it hard to express our opinions or to have a serious discussion as it might evolve into something we’re not prepared for. 

I don’t think that it would make much difference for me to remember that my ancestors were “powerful thinkers” as a way to tap into my inner confidence.  There are moments when I have confidence and moments when I don’t.  I think for me it’s who I’m with and what I’m talking about that allows me to feel confident and comfortable enough to vocalize my opinion.

It’s interesting to me that I can hear people with very different opinions on serious matters and it won’t affect me, but you get someone I care about talking about something that’s in complete opposition to my opinion and I get heated; emotional, to the point that I can’t continue the conversation.  I guess I feel if I care about a person so deeply, their opinions shouldn’t be in so opposite to mine, otherwise maybe there’s something missing in our relationship.  I have this debate with my immediate family a lot.  I can’t talk to them about politics for example because we’re just not on the same page and it’s hard for me not to get emotional.    

 

Week 2 is about coping; am I?

Back to college at 50

Friday, August 31, 2012

Week 2 is about coping; am I?

I feel pressure to do well. There is no one else who is contributing to that expectation except me. I’m old enough that I don't feel the need to live up to other's expectations but still feel the need to prove (not sure who I am proving this too) that I could’ve done this when I was younger (probably me). I’m not sure I could've done this. I certainly never was as committed as I am now.

I get stressed due to the time demands. I work full time and often over time. I have been walking with some co-workers two nights a week which cuts into my home and school work time, but it is important for my physical and emotional health and I’m not going to give it up. So it is the time limits that are my biggest issue. I am trying to get a schedule in place so I can do a little bit at a time and never wait until the last minute. This has worked for me in the past with online classes; however this week we didn’t get our assignments in two classes until Tuesday afternoon and then one of the classes added another discussion topic a day before it was due, so when things are unpredictable like that, I stress out more, just ask my husband. I’m hoping that was just a week two glitch and it is not going to be a recurring problem, please…please…please.

As far as who is taking the wheel on my educational journey, it is ME! Who else? No one told me to do it or encouraged me to other than my co-workers. It's all me. I do not need the degree as I am already doing the work and earning my degree will not earn me a pay raise, I am doing this because I have always had this personal goal and I hope to learn more about what I do so that I can be a better helping professional.

My co-workers/fellow students and I are working together to help each other stay focused and to support each other when it seems like we can’t go on. I will help them and other fellow students as those needs arise and I hope to contribute experience and ask questions that might make people, including myself, look at issues from a different perspective.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Social work called me

Good evening everyone. I am making this attempt to write an oh so interesting blog, but am very apprehensive about doing so. Here goes nothing...

I turned 50 this year which will explain the crown in my profile picture. I celebrated with my girlfriends and my daughters in Calistoga and we had a great time.


I was raised by a single mom (most of the time, tho dad would come and go). Had an older sister. Was a leader in school. Got pregnant and married at 16, first child at 17 and divorced at 18. Worked and went to school, but the paycheck was too tempting and didn't finish. Remarried at 23, 2 more kids by 26. Married 27 years now. Tried school off and on and completed my AA but could never finish the next step. Raised a nephew, met a younger sister that had been placed for adoption when I was 5, my mom died (tho she's still in my closet 'cuz I don't know what to do with her). I volunteered a lot and worked part time, and 7 years ago went to work for the county where 5 years ago I began as a Social Worker I working for Child Welfare Services.

I chose social work, or it chose me, I think because I was always trying to help people. When I volunteered, it made me happy and I was passionate about helping people to make positive changes in their lives and so it was fortuitous that I not only was hired by the county but had a progressive Program Manager who decided to hire from within the Department and train the social workers rather than hire new graduate students who may have the education but do not have ties to the community and would not end up staying.

I received my California High School Proficiency Exam the day I got married and my AA 15 years later. I have taken a few upper division courses online through University of Phoenix and also Kaplan. I attempted to attend HSU twice before; once right after I received my AA and again after all my kids had left home, but the commute was something I didn't like. I worked in banking when I was a young mother, then I was a stay at home mom who volunteered in my children's classrooms, coached at the middle school then the high school, held part time jobs at the Builder's Exchange then CASA, and worked for my husband's dental practice. It wasn't until I was hired at the county that I felt like I had found my niche. I enjoyed my co-workers and the structure of the duties. I began working at Juvenile Hall but hated the 24 hour shifts so when a job opened at Social Services, I took it. About 1 1/2 years later I transferred from Eligibility where we help people with thier cash aid, Medi-cal, and food stamps to Child Welfare. I work in the court unit where I help people who are either trying to get their children back or who have them back and are trying to maintain a safe and stable life for them. I also work with children who have been permanently removed and are in long term foster care, guardianships, or who are going through adoption. I am actively involved with our local tribes as the Indian Child Welfare Act or ICWA is very important in how we do business and what our recommendations to the court may be for an American Indian child as there are different requirements that we must meet in order to provide services to the family.

My goal is to complete my BSW in the 3 years of the online program and then I would like to go on to the Advanced Standing MSW 2 year program. The reason I want to do this, especially at my age is that with a BSW I will not receive any promotion or additional pay; however with an MSW I will. This higher rate of pay will allow me to retire at a higher level of pay and that I hope will make it all worth it. I also believe in continuing education and the more I learn about what I do the better I will be at doing it. It has also been a personal goal for me as long as I can remember. Lastly, I would like to be a good role model for my children and grandchildren.

I would like you all to know that I get frustrated at times, but will apologize if I say or write something that is hurtful. The other thing is that the most important thing to me is my children and grandchildren because they make me happy.

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• ▼ 2012 (2)
  • ▼ August (2)
    • Week 2 is about coping; am I?
    • Social work called me

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Deidra Ward

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